{the evolution of me: a teenager}

Adolescents are not monsters.  They are just people trying to learn how to make it among the adults in the world, who are probably not so sure themselves.  ~Virginia Satir, The New Peoplemaking, 1988

In 7th grade, Fall of 1996, my world was once again rocked.
We moved from what I knew as home (Keller) to a town so completely different (Haltom City) that I actually experienced culture shock. Keller was slowly growing from a sleepy little town into  cookie-cutter-houses-slightly-upper-middle-class-suburbia (it would go on to be named "one of the best places to live in America") and HC was...well, full of already-old-lower-middle-class homes and businesses. This was in those fabled days before everyone had the internet and facebook. I wouldn't personally know anyone that had a computer with internet for about 3 more years. We had a phone though, and as best I could, for as long as I could, I stayed connected to my 2 best friends, Shannon and Leesa. Leesa and I grew apart soon after, and Shannon's family was uprooted and moved to Louisiana. I'll admit, I was a terrible penpal. Shannon, if you are reading this, I apologize for not holding up my end of us. I met and made some new friends, sure, and a few have endured to this day, but inside, I was miserable. I felt lost. I felt unnecessary...and combined with a family that I didn't like or understand...well let's just say I was sad. Very sad. I hid it well though. 
One sunny day in May of '97, I sat alone in my room. Per usual, my radio was on and I was sitting crosslegged beside my bed. The family dog snoring somewhere nearby. 
I had a bottle of aspirin next to me and a sharp knife, just in case.
As I mustered up the courage, trying to give myself a sort of suicide peptalk, an unfamiliar tune weaved it's way through my sadness and tears and my hungry heart listened.

"You have so many relationships in this life,

only one or two will last.

You go through all the pain and strife, 

then you turn your back and it's gone so fast."

truth.

"So hold on to the ones who really care,

'cuz in the end, they'll be the only ones there..."

My breath caught, I started shaking. There was a tiny flicker of hope and even happiness in my heart. I had ones that cared. I had aunts and uncles and cousins that I adored. Hell, the love I had from my granny alone would have been enough. I had a baby niece that might need her Aunt Amy some day. So, I latched onto that song. I threw the bottle of pills at my closed bedroom door. I cried. A good, raw cry, the kind that cleanses. The kind that heals. I then carried the pills and knife out to the kitchen. I went back and sat by my radio. waiting and waiting for that beautiful melody to come through the speakers again. Blank tape at the ready, and when it did, I hit record. 

A month or so later, I was spending summer break with my granny in her tiny little trailer on Lake Tawakoni. She didn't have a CD player, but she had a cassette player. So, seeing my love for that song (and probably just wanting hear something ELSE from that old boombox, she took me to walmart and bought me the full album on cassette. If you haven't figured out what the song is- it's "Mmmbop" by Hanson.  You read that right. That "annoying" song from the  summer of '97 is the very thing that saved my life. Scoff if you wish, but it did. 

To say that I wore that cassette out would be an understatement. It was eventually replaced with a CD version and looped 24/7 from my tiny corner of this great big world.

That little song and a love for the band of brothers singing it led to new friendships. It bonded us. We were a sisterhood. Life looked good again.

High school came and went. Laughter was heard, tears were wiped, hearts were broken and mended. Memories were definitely made. 

I met my 2 best girlfriends in the world, Ashlie and Heather within the classrooms and hallways of that school.

On the first day of 9th grade, I walked into my English class rocking some pretty awesome red Doc Martens. As I sat in my seat, the girl next to me exclaimed "Zac Hanson has those! Only in yellow!" I turned with a grin and showed that I was also rocking a Hanson shirt. We would go through the next 4 years so close, that we were often mistaken for sisters. I even introduced her to her husband when we were just 16!

Heather and I didn't really meet or become friends until sophomore year. I like to believe that our friendship is the reason that my family had moved to Haltom City. She only lived a few blocks away and we would walk between our 2 houses daily. Eventually, we would drive. Today, she is my sister. Married to my brother and mother of one of the most perfect little boys to ever grace this earth. She is my soul's true mate.
I met the boy who completely held my heart for 6 whole years...it was completely unrequited love, but eventually we would grow very close. I also met the boy who would eventually introduce me to my husband in that school...driving past Haltom High School still brings such a smile to my soul.  
During the summer  before my senior year (and then a week before my 18th birthday) I lost my grandpas. One's hand I was holding as he took his last breath, surrounded by his loved ones; the other went alone, sitting in his front yard. A perfect illustration of how their lives had been lived. Heather, Becca, Brian, Kevin, Ben, Chris and Jeb...you will never truly know how you all carried me through that heartache, but I say thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I love these people and these memories dearly and can not even imagine going through this life without them. 
To think, I could have missed out on some pretty amazing years, and some of the greatest people, had I given in to the sadness of a lonely childhood.

Stay tuned to hear about my roaring 20s.

{touch: bed linens.}

I am on a mission. I want to not only use all 5 of the senses I've been blessed with... I want to indulge in them.
I want to literally stop and smell the roses (and any other scent that crosses my path...)
I want my taste buds to tingle from the delicious (and maybe not so delicious...)
I want my fingertips to brush the fabrics that make this world soft, my feet to feel the cobblestones and sand and woods that hold it all together.
I want my ears to delight at the sounds of  life. music. nature.
My eyesight may not be 20/20 but I've still got it, and I want to truly see my days.
I'm done with breezing through on autopilot. It's time to really live.

jersey sheets, Target. $39.99

I will no longer wish that I could find my life's passion.
I'm simply going to be passionate about life.


I spend the majority of my hours sitting at my desk, working.
I spend the second largest amount of hours in bed.
I can't really do much to change my desk situation (for now), but I sure as hell can make the place where we lay our tired bodies the most cozy of places. That's where I'm starting.

We replaced our worn out pillows with fresh ones from Ikea. When we noticed the dogs had put a hole in the comforter, I grabbed the plush, kingsize "throw" blanket from the sofa and spread it all the way out. It's not thick, but man is it soft! It's working pretty dang well. We put a set of jersey sheets on the bed...if you want cozy and warm, get yourself some jersey sheets! I'm sleeping like a baby.

Gosa Pinje (king) pillow, Ikea. $16.99

We also got rid of our big, cold, hard wrought iron headboard and hung a few chair cushions from World Market in it's place! Added some major softness when you want to sit up while reading or watching tv. They no longer have ours in stock, but here's a similar style.

chair cushion, World Market. $14.99

The mattress should probably be replaced soon, but that's gonna be a large purchase....so we'll see.
Next up for our bedroom will be:
smell~ our room stays pretty closed up (we have blackout curtains and a window unit), so it needs fresheners.
sight~ we tend to be really lazy with laundry and clutter...enough said.

{soon.}

via pinterest

{be.}

{the evolution of me: childhood}

What we remember from childhood we remember forever - permanent ghosts, stamped, inked, imprinted, eternally seen.  ~Cynthia Ozick

I was born in the Spring of '84. My mother was in her early twenties, my sister was 6 and my brother was barely 2 1/2. Our father was in prison. I found that out when I was a nosy little 10 year old, snooping through a suitcase of old things in my mother's closet. If I've ever been told the reason for his imprisonment, I have forgotten. It's not important to my story anyway.
We were poor, but I didn't notice. We had a roof over our heads and food in our bellies. I didn't have a nurturing mother, no, she was too busy working nights and providing the necessities for her young family of four. But I had my big sister. She taught me the art of sitting in one spot, tuning out the world and devouring a good book. I'll be forever grateful for that.
When I was in kindergarten, we (with my mom's boyfriend) moved out of the apartment world and into a mobile home park. A real house!
Shortly after the move, I met Shannon. She was a few years older and her brother was my sister's age. I don't remember if we met on our own in the neighborhood or because Ashley and Michael had started dating. We were instant friends. Inseparable for the next 7 years. Together, we were greatness. She showed me that it was okay to be 100% myself. Almost daily, we would carry her boombox out to the drive way and in front of the whole world, we would dance our little hearts out. Olivia Newton-John. Paula Abdul. Janet Jackson. We rescued every stray cat we came across. We watched soap operas that were way beyond our years. We even let ourselves play with dolls and toys. We didn't care one bit what anyone thought of us. We were so cool. She was the first person that I sang with. We spent a huge chunk of our days singing. And we were good. We are still friends to this day.
One stormy night (I don't really remember if it was storming outside, but man was there one brewing in my little 9 year old world), my mother broke her boyfriend's heart. And that broke mine. After 4 years, I thought of him as "dad". She told him that she didn't love him, that there was someone else and that we were going to live with him instead. My brother took a weekend fishing trip with him, but other than that, he disappeared from our lives. I hated my mother for that. I hated her for many years.
All of a sudden, I was forced to live with a man that I didn't know, who wasn't nice and who had 3 bratty kids of his own. They were jerks. 2 boys and 1 girl. I wasn't the baby anymore, I was the 5th of 6. If I wasn't at school or with Shannon, I was in my room. Reading, snuggling with my Rusty Cat, living in my own little world. I dreamed of my real dad. What he looked like (which according to my uncle, was exactly like me, and that's why mom didn't love me like she should have), where he lived, did he ever think of me... if he had another family...if he was even still alive. My brother and sister had some memory of him, but I had nothing.
My childhood wasn't sad though. I had Shannon. I had friends. I had aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents that loved me. I had my books and my cat. I had an absolutely perfect first kiss and my first real love when I was only 10 years old. 2 different boys, 2 beautiful souls, both with equal share of my innocent little heart.

{gratitude in january}

1. for a new year. 365 blank pages.
2. for good tunes. played loud.
3. for my David. Happy birthday love.
4. for no-work-saturdays. time to just veg.
5. for little "roadtrips". Ikea is so fun.
6. for recipe victory. finally got a favorite dish just right.
7. for inspiration. wherever it may be.
8. for laundry rooms. i really should use mine more.
9. for foggy days. they are too rare.
10. for bourbon. sometimes, you just need a glass.
11. for hindsight. and clarity. and memories.
12. for the excitement of a vacation. soon.
13. for Mondays. trying not to greet them with a bad mood.
14. for an end to a losing streak. and a hubby that folds laundry.
15. for phone calls with sister. even when they aren't for good news.
16. for nephews that need us.
17. for V
18. A
19. C
20. A
21. T
22. I
23. O
24. N
25. for a safe and smooth flight home.
26. for a long day of loving on the pups. they were soooo missed.
27. for a job that I'm happy to return to and coworkers excited that I'm back.
28. for being happy.
29. for tissues with aloe.
30. for income tax W2s. a little bonus.
31. for a lovely beginning to 2014.

{Me and Martha.}

Well, it is officially 2014, which means my year-long project has begun. Sort of.
We've been in that after-the-holidays-funk, so we haven't really tested ourselves in the kitchen. That will change this weekend! I was going to cook my way through Martha's Cooking School book, but then I thought, wouldn't it be more fun to live this year through her monthly "Living" magazine instead? I mean, she covers everything appropriate for every month on the calendar- cooking, crafting, good thoughts, good things, etc. I'll still use the book, but the magazine seems like a better fit.
Problem- it's now the 3rd of January, and I still haven't seen this months edition on newsstands or lighting up my kindle screen :/
What's a girl to do?
I'll tell you what I did. After a crap day at work, I stopped by Michael's (conveniently located at the end of our street) and picked up a few things for something I had in mind. Not a Martha craft per se, but I definitely think she would approve!

(...until I get home from work, and can get better ones, this photo from my phone will have to suffice)

 

I took a wooden picture frame (10x10) and replace the generic picture with a sheet of burlap and the glass that the frame came with. I topped it with some birch wood slices (for coasters) and 2 small (faux) magnolia buds in that beautiful blue vase. I think it makes for a very pretty little setting!

Decorating goal for 2014: bring more of the outside, in.