Sunday, November 3, 2013

{soul searching...}

Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass. He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light... Psalm 37:4-6

Holy epiphany, Batman!
I'm sure that I've written before of my desire to know God's plan for me...and if you've read that post or heard me wonder aloud about it in real life, disregard everything I have said up until this moment. You see, I was on the right track, but I was oh so wrong. It's not about what I feel I've been denied.
You know how when you are a child and someone asks you what you want to be when you grow up? The answers always seemed to change from week to week, right? Mine didn't. I mean yeah the first answer that I can remember giving was "marine biologist" even before I really knew what that was... Hello, have you seen Free Willy? Have you watched fish swim around aquariums, dazed by their awesomness? I also remember saying "singer" (I went on to sing in choirs for my entire school-life), "teacher" (I went on to spend 6 years teaching at a preschool), "housewife" (I got married in 2006). It's that last one that truly got me excited. It seemed to light a fire deep in my gut. To have a family, and spend my days caring for them and loving them and puttering around my home....that would be bliss. Maybe it's because I never knew my biological father and we moved around a lot and then getting thrown into a mixed family with step-people... my heart yearned for the day when I would be in charge. Even as a child.
I've always been one for simple pleasures. Give me a comfy chair with a good book, a quiet stroll through the park on a sunny day, a pretty skirt or dress that makes me feel like a lady...a marriage full of love and laughter. A child to call me "mom".
Yet, somewhere along the way, I lost all that. I stopped paying attention to what makes my heart overflow with bliss and what kindles that little flame deep inside my gut. I've gotten lost in the grind of work and bills and trying to keep up with the Joneses. (And by Joneses I mean all of my facebook friends filling my wall with photos and cute quips of their adorable little ones.)
And then I started what I call The Proper Lady Project. And, I've started to find myself again.
I'm seeing our modest little house in a whole new light. I'm actually enjoying (and feeling a little excited!) doing the housework that I have been known to let pile up. I'm finally feeling comfortable in my skin when I'm dressed more ladylike and feminine (hello skirts and shoes and accessories!) I'm looking at my husband with a whole new love.You can call me old-fashioned, and maybe even boring or weird... and that's okay, it's a compliment really.
So what if I don't hear a little voice calling me "mom", that'll will happen one day, or maybe it won't...and I truly believe I'll be okay with that. It doesn't mean that I can't take care of myself and my husband and our home with the same dedication and effort that I would give if there were a child involved. It doesn't mean that I have to let work and bills and the Joneses determine what truly makes my light shine.
God has repeatedly shown me the desires of my heart, and I am not going to let Him down again.

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